PTSD – Having a Happier Holiday

PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
From MayoClinic.Org:
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.
Most people who go through traumatic events may have temporary difficulty adjusting and coping, but with time and good self-care, they usually get better. If the symptoms get worse, last for months or even years, and interfere with your day-to-day functioning, you may have PTSD.
From my perspective:
The worst part of experiencing an event so traumatic is that it literally impacts and changes your entire life from the moment of that event. Everything after that is determined by how much that trauma has changed you. For a child still in development, trauma changes everything, how you grow emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically, and even how you relate to everyone in your life and everyone thereafter and the worst part, you have no idea how someone without trauma is supposed to act, think, or be.
One of the first things I said to my therapist was that having been a toddler, I know have no idea who I was before or who I was going to be, before. And if your life is faced with more than one trauma, every traumatic event changes you even more. My first trauma – toddler, my second trauma -3, my third trauma – 5, and so on until I was well into adulthood.
How common is PTSD?
Well, how common is abuse? How common is child abandonment? How common is rape? If you think about, everyone who has gone through these personal traumas not to mention war and murder, all of these are capable of causing trauma to the psyche of the victim.
What are the symptoms or signs of PTSD?
From MayoClinic.Org:
Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may start within one month of a traumatic event, but sometimes symptoms may not appear until years after the event. These symptoms cause significant problems in social or work situations and in relationships. They can also interfere with your ability to go about your normal daily tasks.
PTSD symptoms are generally grouped into four types: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, and changes in physical and emotional reactions. Symptoms can vary over time or vary from person to person.
Intrusive memories
Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:
Avoidance
Symptoms of avoidance may include:
Negative changes in thinking and mood
Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:
Changes in physical and emotional reactions
Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:
For children 6 years old and younger, signs and symptoms may also include:
Intensity of symptoms
PTSD symptoms can vary in intensity over time. You may have more PTSD symptoms when you’re stressed in general, or when you come across reminders of what you went through. For example, you may hear a car backfire and relive combat experiences. Or you may see a report on the news about a sexual assault and feel overcome by memories of your own assault.
Maybe I should add a warning, Graphic Language, some nudity (just kidding, maybe) and this is my reality so be prepared.
My Best Friend, Lover, Confident, and truly the only person in the world who knows my demons, my scars, my skeletons all hanging in a closet in chronological order, and hasn’t run away screaming. Okay, maybe a little bit of a screaming but as he’s gotten older he’s more of a sitter than a runner.
But, anyway, he has severe Bronchiectasis (it’s a lung disease that prevents bronchial tubes distorted by infection to return to their normal size/condition when the infection is healed.) And because of this, he is more prone to infection and his lung capacity has been greatly reduced over time. There is no cure.
Three years –
It was was three years ago that I realized I had PTSD and that it occurred my first night of my first duty assignment while in the Air Force. Later, I would realized that that was the beginning of my adult PTSD but that I’d been living with my childhood PTSD for far longer. My first traumatic childhood event – when I was toddler.
I’m 60 years old and I realized I had PTSD three years ago, why am I posting this now?
Because this past year has been a time of significant change and healing for me and I want to share all of this with the hope that it will help someone else. I don’t want anyone to go through what I’ve been through and this is the most pragmatic way I can think of to help.
Hello old friend, you called me today
And disturbed the grave of a memory once buried
Do I thank or curse you for the walk
Down memory lane, you in your self-obsessed
Fantasy world sought me out and forced me to join you
Amongst the boxes and filing cabinets layered in dust
And pushed aside, within the busy confines of my mind,
Did it never occur to you that I may be happy, that I
Had moved on since you? No, apparently not, you’ve
Made choices that stagnated your life but I, no,
My life is a river, the current at times slow and constant,
But more often swift and harried like a white crested rapid,
And now, thirty years later you come back into my life…
Ah, the downside of social media.
That door, that blessed door,
So tightly locked, hammered,
And nailed forever shut,
Why open it now?
The pain, that inexhaustible reservoir of pain,
Why dive within its murky depths?
Is ignorance not bliss
Like a vast underground lake, dark and foreboding,
It lies there, but if I turn my back, it doesn’t exist,
And I can live my life in peace, ignoring the pain.
Copyright 2014
The blonde fairy princess glides across the room
Ever searching for what precious, unclaimed gems may be spotted
Olivia, her mother calls, time for bed
Olivia smiles but stays on her hunt, there is much to discover tonight
And it’s too early for bed.
Copyright 2007
I do not handle well
My life in constant motion
No ground beneath my tired wings
I so yearn for steely foundation
And dust covered shelves marking stay
Yes I yearn for a home, a permanent residence
Our name upon the mailbox
But I am not so foolish as to sell my soul to wayward sand
Or long-term borrowed residence.
Copyright 2010
Oh to fall in love again
To write with passionate prose
The verses dancing in my head
Their beauty to expose
I exist, short for words
Where once so awe-inspired
My poetic soul now on the mend
Emotions…false-start, FIRE!
Still struggling with each breath
Digging to find depth
I free my passion deep within
My captivity at an end
Once locked behind a steadfast door
The words I feared were no more
Are syllables racing down my pen
And I, I am in love once again!
Original Copyright 2007
To face fears of long ago
With each word I must profess
I want so much to write
That which may be of a delight
Yet my thoughts are dark
Unseemly implications spark
My controversy within
I say out loud, “It’s not a sin!”
To reveal my deepest emotions
I have no hidden motives
My meaning is inspired
By the muck and the mire
Of where I’ve been and what I’ve learned
In retrospective my past discerned
And so in darkness I proceed
To uncover memories still afresh
Where my innocent heart did once bleed
The crimson flow of childhood unhappiness.
Copyright 2014